Result-oriented. We work together to find patterns that aren’t serving the relationship, identify the root causes of those patterns, then commit to work that each partner can do to improve dynamics.
Time-bound. In our first session or two, we identify concrete goals for couples therapy and agree to a target treatment duration. I find that 1–6 months of work together is sufficient for most of the challenges couples bring in.
Supporting quick change when possible and deeper work when necessary. Sometimes, changing a behavior is quick and painless. Doing so may entail just increasing awareness for the behavior’s contexts and triggers, noticing when we’re about to do what we want to stop doing, and pausing in those moments so that we can respond rather than react.
Other times, the roots of the behavior are deeper and changing the behavior may require slowing down and going inside to discover implicit emotional learning which prevents us from changing, or hear more from the parts of us that don’t want to change. When this is the case, I typically invite the person affected to IFS or Coherence Therapy work. This can be done in couples sessions with the other partner observing, or as a separate individual session to support the couples work.
I work with a broad range of couples, with goals ranging from relationship tune ups to full-blown crisis. I welcome with an open heart folks holding a wide range of sexual (gay, straight, queer, kink, poly, etc.), gender (cis, trans, nonbinary), religious, and political identities. Love Trump? Hate him? Either way, you’re welcome in my office.
We meet each other, discuss goals and concerns for therapy, and pick a timeline for achieving the goals.
After the first couples session, I offer an individual session with each person in the relationship. We explore your love story, attachment history, key emotional events, and any concerns, hopes, or expectations you may have for couples therapy.
We reflect on progress, and discuss how you can continue to move forward in your relationship without the support of couples therapy.
IFIO is Internal Family Systems (IFS) for couples. A few principles:
The Gottman method is an evidence-based couples therapy – its effectiveness has been demonstrated in formal studies. It works particularly well for couples who want to begin with a structured, broad assessment of their relationship’s health. I’m currently training in Gottman, and we can discuss this approach if it speaks to you.
NVC is an approach to being heard, esp. when we want to communicate something emotionally charged. One principle is that when we’re delivering a charged message, we’re often more likely to be heard when we can unpack what’s happened in us to get us to the emotionally charged place, own our own emotions, identify our need, and share an ask. Behind most emotionally-charged messages, there’s a first-person story which centers you, rather than blaming your partner: my observation, my feeling, my need, and my request.
For example, say you’re having dinner with your partner and a group of friends, someone makes a comment that feels disparaging of you, and your partner says nothing. After dinner, your gut might be to say to your partner: “WTF!? I can’t believe you didn’t stick up for me at dinner tonight. What were you thinking?”
NVC offers that you’re more likely to be successful by sharing your experience in four parts: “Tonight at dinner, Sarah said I wasn’t exactly the most poised of our friend group (observation). I felt hurt and sad hearing that (feeling). I need to feel like I have people in my corner when others disparage me (need). As a favor to me, if something like that happens again, would you speak up about how much you love that I’m fierce and direct (request)?”
Part of the magic of this approach is that by inviting us to unpack the situation, it increases our awareness of what’s happening in us. It also slows things down for our partner, by presenting the story of what happened for us in four parts, so they can more easily track our experience. If there’s divergence between us and our partner, using the four-part communication helps us get clear on where the divergence is happening (i.e. our partner observed something different, isn’t honoring our feeling, isn’t hearing our need, or is unwilling to honor our request), and where our work is.
